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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23428192">It Was A Very Good Year</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wicked_Seraph/pseuds/Wicked_Seraph'>Wicked_Seraph</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Banana Fish (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aging, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mortality</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:27:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,803</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23428192</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wicked_Seraph/pseuds/Wicked_Seraph</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash and Eiji consider the changes brought by the shifting of life's seasons.<br/> </p><p><i>"But now the days are short / I'm in the autumn of the year<br/>And now I think of my life as vintage wine<br/>From fine old kegs / From the brim to the dregs<br/>And it poured sweet and clear / It was a very good year.</i>"</p><p>- Frank Sinatra</p><p>[Written for the <i>Take Me to Where You Are</i> Banana Fish charity zine.]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It Was A Very Good Year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A thousand fireflies beat their wings in unison, their warmth fluttering in Ash’s stomach</p><p></p><div>
  <p>
    <span class="thread-214283886108055707467035 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-214283886108055707467035-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">This shouldn’t have happened.</span></span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">The room smells like bleach and decades of stale sweat. He can feel the cool smoothness of a capsule, the contrasting heat of Eiji’s tongue</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z h-lparen">(he</span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> can’t tell if it’s a coincidence that they happen to meet, but it makes something dangerous and wonderful unfurl near the base of his spine). He can feel the gentle pressure of Eiji’s lips, chapped and pliant, </span><span class="thread-364700820239731532088721 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-364700820239731532088721-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><span class="comment-extra-inner-span">and the frantic staccato of his pulse.</span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="thread-950322888738513632974894 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-950322888738513632974894-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">His heart shouldn’t have skipped several beats in an attempt to match Eiji’s; the world outside the seamless cocoon of </span> </span> <span class="thread-950322888738513632974894 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> <em>them </em> </span> </span> <span class="thread-950322888738513632974894 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">should not have slowed to the languid trickle of a springtime creek.</span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="thread-360538349142882791145073 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-360538349142882791145073-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">Ash thinks</span> </span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> back to afternoons spent gazing at the surface of the river beyond the trees, watching listlessly as rust-colored leaves were swept away in the current. </span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">He</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">was withered</span><span class="thread-360402349524529361606381 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-360402349524529361606381-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><span class="comment-extra-inner-span">,</span></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> a husk of a boy nestled against the blood-warm soil, gulping sunlight like milk. </span><span class="thread-326410976354702636915928 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-326410976354702636915928-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><span class="comment-extra-inner-span">He allowed the river to become his wet nurse,</span></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> content to share her bounty with the creatures crawling and fluttering around him. </span></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Rivers were synonymous with drowning and vile, murderous things lurking just beneath the surface. But his river — his mother, his guardian — was sympathetic, rocking him gently along the banks as the drowsy afternoon heat and chirping songbirds lulled him to sleep. </span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">The adult world was strange and filthy: skin blackened from coarse hair and motor oil, teeth and fingers yellowed from cigarettes and decay. </span> <span class="thread-374297249991487426885850 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-374297249991487426885850-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">Men smelled like skipped showers and lust; women were clean in a way that only the willfully oblivious could be, content to bathe in blood not spilled by their own hands. </span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Spring</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">was guileless. Spring was rich and fragrant as verdant things emerged from the earth. Spring was a kaleidoscope as white and slate bloomed into violent technicolor.</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Spring was sanctuary. Spring was Ash bathing in the riverbanks, rubbing his skin raw and pink and imagining the grime that coated his insides was carried away with the dead leaves. He liked to imagine it as an quivering mass that settled into the sediment, feasted upon by bottom-dwellers. </span> <span class="thread-970011945173433279137309 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-970011945173433279137309-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">Spring was a womb carved out of ivy and oak, large enough for Ash to curl within and sleep without dreams.</span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="thread-742668792968862976213827 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-742668792968862976213827-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">Spring, he learns, is also the sweetness in Eiji’s expression and the way his cheeks flush. </span> </span> <span class="thread-160157542204348482196360 attrcomment thread-742668792968862976213827 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-160157542204348482196360-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">Something fragile within him stirs</span></span><span class="thread-742668792968862976213827 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><span class="comment-extra-inner-span">, roused by warmth that lingers. </span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Snow melts. Rivers thaw. The artificial frigidity of the visitation room </span> <span class="thread-368849454250847455850943 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-368849454250847455850943-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">shouldn’t nurture</span> </span> <span class="thread-470388741604730247197283 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-470388741604730247197283-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> the kind of quickening reserved for April showers and damp, hungry soil, yet stems and leaves unfurl defiantly from the substrate. Petals arc towards</span> </span> <span class="thread-010285365393968845954075 attrcomment thread-470388741604730247197283 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-010285365393968845954075-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> the </span> </span> <span class="thread-470388741604730247197283 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">sunshine as it travels across the horizon. Ash arcs towards the sweetness surging from where their lips meet.</span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="thread-280321098129605156759925 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-280321098129605156759925-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">Cocoons are woven from secrets and brittle trust and the treacherous excitement tingling in his veins. </span> </span> <span class="thread-280321098129605156759925 attrcomment thread-678565362595515981288576 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-678565362595515981288576-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> <em>How strange</em></span></span><span class="thread-280321098129605156759925 attrcomment thread-678565362595515981288576 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><span class="comment-extra-inner-span">,</span> </span> <span class="thread-280321098129605156759925 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> he thinks, </span> </span> <span class="thread-280321098129605156759925 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> <em>for shared heat to feel like a sanctuary</em></span></span><span class="thread-280321098129605156759925 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><span class="comment-extra-inner-span">.</span> </span></p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Summer stretches for years and cycles relentlessly.</span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Summer is sweltering heat, humidity devouring cool breezes until</span> <span class="thread-796920060044849023893585 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-796920060044849023893585-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> the </span> </span> <span class="thread-739284853873880326781051 attrcomment thread-796920060044849023893585 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-739284853873880326781051-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">sky is pregnant</span> </span> <span class="thread-796920060044849023893585 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> with premonition</span> </span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">. Summer tastes like a salty upper lip, feels like a damp hairline and clothes dripping with mingled sweat and rain. Blue mutates into grey into black, and the world is cast into darkness. Thunder screams across the landscape.</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Summer is suffocating affection. </span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Ash wants desperately to refuse it. Ash grows heavy and drowsy with it, drinking and drinking and drinking until his throat clenches and his stomach </span> <span class="thread-771330884412884390655811 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-771330884412884390655811-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">rejects</span> </span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> it violently.</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="thread-662350450050955611743183 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-662350450050955611743183-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">Love is precipitation</span> </span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">. He can set his watch by when the atmosphere becomes rich with ozone and when Eiji sings quietly over a simmering pot of stew. Rainfall is predictable, but rainfall turns soil into landslides, swallowing anything unfortunate enough to make easy prey. Rainfall breathes life into winter’s husks and drowns the tropics.</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">He licks his lips and can still taste the tannins from Eiji’s breakfast tea. Traces of Eiji’s warmth cling to him — like an embrace; like the hot, fetid breath of men who gnawed on children's bones. </span> <span class="thread-254348684767335794823922 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-254348684767335794823922-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">His features have sharpened over the decades, yet sometimes he wonders if anyone still hears Aslan, sobbing and petrified, hidden somewhere in the deepening tenor of his voice.</span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <em>I’m vile</em></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">, he thinks. </span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <em>Even the richest soil is just mud when you water it too much</em></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">.</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">He says as much to Eiji, staring resolutely at the rim of his mug, the dregs at the bottom — anywhere but eyes like bittersweet chocolate looking back at him. </span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“Sometimes I think you…</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z h-lsquo">‘take’</span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> because you feel like you have to,” Eiji says, contemplative and certain in a way makes Ash feel like his ribcage is translucent.</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z h-ldquo">“Because…</span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> you’re afraid you’ll hurt my feelings if you say</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z h-lsquo">‘no.’”</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Ash is silent, the space between them growing dense and humid with words unspoken. He can taste the deluge of things he might like to say coating the back of his tongue. Eiji watches him carefully; Ash bristles at how familiar yet foreign it feels, for someone’s features darken with calculations that involve his emotions as the primary variable. </span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“I remember telling you that you’re not a leopard, Ash. I’m sure you do, as well, yes?”</span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“Of course,” Ash replies quietly, remembering the way the sunset had caressed Eiji’s cheek in a way he couldn’t, the way he still can’t.</span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“Good. Because you’re not soil, either. Flowers and trees have to take what they can; they have no choice. But… you’re human. Only </span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><em>you</em></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> get to decide what is and isn’t</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z h-lsquo">‘too</span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> much’. Even if it seems like you </span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><em>should</em></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> want more.” </span></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Eiji turns towards the counter, reaching into the cabinet. Ostensibly he’s simply preparing more tea, but Ash knows Eiji’s habits well enough to recognize when he’s being granted privacy. </span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“I only want you to take what you want. No more, no less.”</span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“Does that include the weird tea you make me all the time?”</span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Eiji glances over his shoulder</span> <span class="thread-541451646131980844598689 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-541451646131980844598689-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">, flashing Ash a grin like the first streaks of sunlight piercing through a rain cloud. </span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“I think it’s a good place to start.”</span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Eiji’s first response to autumn is dread, sticky like taffy against his insides.</span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Once-green trees and forests are aflame with a spectrum of changing hues. Daylight is sweet and evanescent as the sun tires more easily; that which was one robust now curls wearily beneath the blanket of night.</span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="thread-193674259196009030391281 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-193674259196009030391281-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">Eiji sees autumn’s emergence in the way Ash’s hair shifts from gold to silver, an alchemy striking in its beauty. Laughter lingers in the lines of his face and the deep, rich resonance of his voice. The willowy grace of Ash’s figure fills into something more reminiscent of oak; Ash’s knees groan in protest when he sneers at time and gravity.</span></span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Autumn seeps into his bones as the world grows blurrier with </span><span class="thread-164483185303816714923073 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-164483185303816714923073-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><span class="comment-extra-inner-span">each passing year.</span></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> Honorifics shift, the rustling of</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z h-ldquo">“sir”</span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> and</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z h-ldquo">“san”</span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> like so many leaves fluttering to the ground and </span><span class="thread-375961805530789274069802 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-375961805530789274069802-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"><span class="comment-extra-inner-span">piling at his feet. Something petulant within him screams with the impulse to dive into the pile, scattering the leaves just to revel in entropy molded by his own hands.</span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">His skeleton feels like glass; he fractures an arm from slipping on ice during a routine photography session and wants to sob with the humiliation of it. He’s broken bones before, but never did they take so long to heal or ache so much.</span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“It’s part of getting older, </span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <em>onii-chan</em></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">,” Ash says gently, the lines near the corners of his eyes deepening in a way that’s somehow kind yet mischievous.</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Eiji says nothing, letting the earthy, bitter tea fill the chasm he wished he could </span> <span class="thread-990194877861207372980221 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-990194877861207372980221-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">fill </span> </span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">with words. Something primal lingers in the corner of his thoughts, growing darker and more corporeal with each reminder of his own creeping mortality. Some nights, he swears he can feel it: a demon crouched on top of his chest, sucking out his vitality, draining the color from his hair and the strength from his bones. </span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <em>How cruel</em></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">, he thinks humorlessly.</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <em> I have so little, less each year, and still it wants more from me</em></span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">.</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“Youth is wasted on the young,” Eiji mutters, grimacing as he takes another sip of tea. By now it’s lukewarm, and Eiji hates how it warms him in a way it never used to. His own blood circulates poorly nowadays, no matter how much he tries to stay active and dress in warm clothes and coax his body into pretending that it hasn’t already begun teetering towards a canyon with unknowable depths. He hates seeing Ash’s steady sway towards it more</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">so. Ash still steals his breath and makes his heart ache with fondness, but neither of them are under the sanguine delusion that their affection makes them indestructible.</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Ash is painfully mortal. Eiji has spent countless nights listening, feeling for Ash’s heartbeats like grains of sand slipping through his fingers. </span> <span class="thread-064220495050646209347855 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-064220495050646209347855-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">There is a twisted irony in how much more quickly they pass as they become fewer in number.</span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">“It is,” Ash agrees, snapping Eiji from his reverie.</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z h-ldquo">“Though</span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> I wouldn’t call it</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z h-lsquo">‘wasted’.</span><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> Youth makes you reckless and stupid. Being forced to slow down isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">He leans towards Eiji, his smile unbearably warm. Gentle lips trace the outline of Eiji’s features, the fine lines showing the echo of laughter or a brow etched in worry. Little by little, Eiji can feel the icy terror lurking in his veins begin to thaw. The warmth of Ash’s lips still ignites something delicious and hopeful within him; the resulting flame is contained, a slow-burning hearth in lieu of the needy, reckless wildfire of summers past. </span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Autumn saps heat from the air and daylight from the dwindling days, funneling them into a brilliant cascade of ruby and gold leaves, of silver and ivory hair. Autumn transmutes the frenetic abundance of summer into long walks and slow steps. Embers that once spawned brushfires give way to a welcoming balm of heat against one’s skin. </span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Eiji feels the approaching winter in the crisp chill of the air and the way his memories bleed together. Each passing year is autumn’s sunset reclaiming daylight sooner and sooner as the days trickle by. </span>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">Ash lips brush against the corner of his mouth — entreating, sweet,</span> <span class="author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z">and cautious the way they always have been, the way they always will be. Eiji turns his head, relishing Ash’s surprised, muffled whimper as he captures Ash’s lips in a brief kiss.</span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="thread-891735650520777459992027 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-891735650520777459992027-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> <em>How quickly it’s all passed,</em> </span> </span> <span class="thread-891735650520777459992027 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> he thinks. Mortality and gratitude swirl, leaden and peculiar in his stomach. </span></span></p>
</div><div>
  <p><span class="thread-891735650520777459992027 attrcomment attrcommentfirst thread-891735650520777459992027-first author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span"> <em>But… it’s been a very good year</em> </span> </span> <span class="thread-891735650520777459992027 attrcomment author-d-1gg9uz65z1iz85zgdz68zmqkz84zo2qovvlz66zz79znuz89zgbfz80zg3z85zu2z72zz76zz68zz89zhfz73zz90zz81zz68zys0hz82z"> <span class="comment-extra-inner-span">.</span> </span></p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <hr/>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <em>"But now the days are short / I'm in the autumn of the year<br/></em>
    <em>And now I think of my life as vintage wine<br/></em>
    <em>From fine old kegs / From the brim to the dregs<br/></em>
    <em>And it poured sweet and clear / It was a very good year."</em>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>- Frank Sinatra</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! As always, comments and critiques are always welcomed.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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